College Essay

Essay (probably) final. (Unless fossy has some suggestions as well. ^^)

I am going to let you in on a little secret of mine: by the bright rays of the day I go to school and do my work just like any other student, and then head home to a very different reality. When blackness shrouds the sky and night descends, all four paws hit the earth and I am sprinting into the eventide with my pack. I am what you would call a modern day werewolf, but without the cloud of ancient folklore. I stalk the wilderness side-by-side with my pack, my family. The blood of which binds me tighter than any man-made creation. The earth is a wondrous place to be, the wind caressing me with its sweet scents and sounds. My ears flick as a lark lets its wordless lyrics flow into the cool evening air. The ground is supple under my paws and tonight anything is possible. This reality is broken only by the dull tapping of keys in the background. By simply pressing power on my computer I can immerse myself into the world of Fire and Ice Wolf Packs, my online role-playing site. This site has had a great impact on my life and has helped shape me into the person that I have become today.

Fire and Ice Wolf Packs (FNI) is a semi-realistic role-playing site for moderate to advanced writers. The site has been up and running successfully for about three consecutive years. It is an active community of people who write for pleasure in the perspective of another being. Specifically in this case, we look through the eyes of a wolf. Story lines are created in a fictional land centered around the power struggle of the packs within it. Lives of these majestic creatures are played out by the users on the site in a never ending novel.

Some might think that the subject of wolves is an unusual medium to role-play, but looking closer there are many facets that make them just as tangible as human characters. By personifying these animals they have been created with a wide range of personalities, dreams and goals. Each character is an extension of ourselves, coloring certain aspects of our identity. The only true difference in the characters are a simple alternating set of factors. These come in the form of the environment the wolves live in and their sense of priorities. Most importantly is the love we feel for our characters. There is a lot of work and thought in making something alive in this concrete manner. To each of us they are as real as our friends and neighbors. Everyday we live through our creations uniting us and keeping our small community feeling functional and complete.

By maintaining this site it has enabled a tight knit community to grow within the foundations. Drawn together by our love of writing, we are the soul of the site. The people are accepting, caring and passionate. Without the dedication and loyalty that FNI has received from its members, it would be no more than a desolate placeholder in cyberspace. All these members are a part of a dynamic setup that thrives on their attention. These members, these people, are my friends and in a sense an extended family. Like a family, we support and tend to each others needs. Even though we have never met, we fully acknowledge that behind the words is a living, breathing human being - someone who has feelings and emotions as deep as our own. Without these people, I feel that a piece of myself would be lost.
Role-playing revealed its appeal to me when I was around the age of fourteen. What drew me to it I honestly can not say, but I am grateful because this is one of the best aspects of my life. Creative writing has become a passionate hobby that I get to share with a select few. Managing and maintaining this site has taught me many things about responsibility. I have learned to delegate arguments, handle pressure situations, learn what it is like to have people depend on you. I have learned to be an arbitrator and help people resolve problems, thus creating a solution satisfy both parties. The online aspect, I believe, does not belittle these achievements nor does it write it off as a faulty life experience. Creating this site has been one of the best decisions of my life.

Fire and Ice Wolf Packs has made a profound impact on my life. Untold hours of hard work, determination, and devotion have gone into this site. If something were to happen to result in the loss of it, I would grieve for my site. Devastation could not sum the emotion that would flow through my body. Emotionally, I am bound to this site and the people on it. The influence of all these elements has carved out special traits in my characters and defines who I am today.

My suggested corrections are in red. =) Mostly comma's, you comma-neglectful queen! These are just surface errors. I'd have to go through it one more time to catch it all. Oh, and absolutely NEVER write a contraction in a formal essay. Contractions are lazy, and lazy does not equal formal. =P

I think the first paragraph is wonderful! It seems like a very smooth transition to me...you are talking about all these things, and then you say the only thing that interrupts is the typing...it leads the reader into your point with much grace. =]

Quote :

I am going to let you in on a little secret of mine: by the bright rays of the day I go to schooland do my work just like any other student, and then head home to a very different reality. When blackness shrouds the sky and night descends, all four paws hit the earth and I am sprinting into the eventide with my pack. I am what you would call a modern day werewolf, but without the cloud of ancient folklore billowing about. I stalk the wilderness side-by-side with my pack, my family. The blood of my pack binds me tighter than any man-made creation. The earth is a wondrous place to be, the wind caressing me with its sweet scents and sounds. My ears flick as a lark lets its lyrics flow into the cool evening air. The ground is supple under my paws and tonight anything is possible. This reality is broken only by the dull tapping of keys in the background. By simply pressing power on my computer, I canimmerse myself into the world of Fire and Ice Wolf Packs, my online role-playing site. This site which has had a great impact on my life and has helped shape me into the person that I have become today.

Fire and Ice Wolf Packs (FNI) is a semi-realistic role-playing site for moderate to advanced writers. The site has been up and running successfully for about three consecutive years. It is an active community of people who write for pleasure in the perspective of another being. Specifically in this case, we look through the eyes of a wolf. Story lines are created in a fictional land centered around the power struggle of the packs within it. Lives of these majestic creatures are played out by the users on the site in a never ending novel.

Some might think that the subject of wolves is an unusual medium to role-play, but looking closer there are many facets that make them just as tangible as human characters. By personifying these animals, they have been created with a wide range of personalities, dreams and goals. Each character is an extension of ourselves, coloring certain aspects of our identity. The only true difference in the characters are a simple alternating set of factors. These come in the form of the environment the wolves live in and their sense of priorities. Most importantly is the love we feel for our characters. There is a lot of work and thought in making something alive in this concrete manner. To each of us they are as real as our friends and neighbors. Everyday we live through our creations and this unites us, keeping our small community feeling functional and complete.

By maintaining this site, it has enabled a tight knit community to grow within the foundations. Drawn together by our love of writing, we are the soul of the site. Here The people are accepting, caring and passionate. Without the dedication and loyalty that FNI has received from its members, it would be no more than a desolate placeholder in cyberspace. All these members are a part of a dynamic setup that thrives on their attention. Who's attention? This sentence needs clarity. These members, these people, are my friends and in a sense an extended family. Like a family, we support and tend to each others needs. Even though we have never met, we fully acknowledge that behind the words is a living, breathing human being - someone who has feelings and emotions as deep as our own. Without them these people, I feel that a piece of myself would be lost.

Role-playing revealed its appeal to me when I was around the age of fourteen. What drew me to it I honestly can not say, but I am grateful because this is one of the best aspects of my life. Creative writing has become a passionate hobby that I get to share with a select few. Managing and maintaining this site has taught me many things about responsibility. I have learned to delegate arguments, handle pressure situations, learn what it is like to have people depend on you. I have learned to be an arbitrator and help people resolve problems, thus creating a solution that can satisfy both parties. The online aspect, I believe, does not belittle these achievements nor does it write it off as a faulty life experience. Creating this site has been one of the best decisions of my life.

Fire and Ice Wolf Packs has made a profound impact on my life. Untold hours of hard work, determination, and devotion have gone into this site. If something were to happen to result in the loss of it, I would grieve for my site. Devastation could not sum the emotion that would flow through my body. Emotionally, I am bound to this site and the people on it. The influence of all these elements has carved out special traits in my characters and defines who I am today.

The first paragraph is annoying me, the transition from the little bit of roleplay to the computer bit is not working out right in my mind and its pissing me off...

(Same thing as the last one except its finished. Feel free to look it over and suggest things. I myself am going to start going over it and try and change things.)
Edit: I am going to be editing on here too, so it will be changing.


I’ll let you in on a little secret of mine. By the bright rays of the day I go to school do my work like any other student but head home to a very different reality. When blackness shrouds the sky and night descends all four paws hit the earth and I am sprinting into the eventide with my pack. I’m what you would call a modern day werewolf, without the cloud of ancient folklore billowing about. I stalk the wilderness side by side with my pack, my family. The blood of which binds me tighter than any man made creation. The earth is a wondrous place to be, the wind caressing me with its sweet scents and sounds. My ears flick as a larks let its wordless lyrics flow into the cool evening air. The ground is supple under my paws and tonight anything is possible. This reality is broken only by the dull tapping of keys in the background. By simply pressing power on my computer I immerse myself into the world of Fire and Ice Wolf Packs, my online role-playing site. This site which has had a great impact on my life and has helped me form the person that I have become today.

Fire and Ice Wolf Packs (FNI) is a semi-realistic role-playing site for moderate to advanced writers. The site has been up and running successfully for about three consecutive years. It is an active community of people who write for pleasure in the perspective of another being. Specifically in this case, we look through the eyes of a wolf. Story lines are created in a fictional land centered around the power struggle of the packs within it. Lives of these majestic creatures are played out by the users on the site in a never ending novel.

Some might think that the subject of wolves are an unusual medium to role-play, but looking closer there are many facets that make them just as tangible as human characters. By personifying these animals they have been created with a wide range of personalities, dreams and goals. Each character is an extension of ourselves, coloring certain aspects of our identity. The only true difference in the characters are a simple alternating set of factors. These come in the form of the environment the wolves live in and their sense of priorities. Most importantly is the love we feel for our characters. There is a lot of work and thought in making something alive in this concrete manner.To each of us they are as real as our friends and neighbors. Everyday we live through our creations uniting us and keeping us fulfilled.

By maintaining this site it has enabled a tight knit community to grow within the foundations. Drawn together for our love of writing we are the soul of the site. Here the people are accepting, caring and passionate. Without the dedication and loyalty that FNI has received from its members it would be no more than a desolate placeholder in cyberspace. All these members are apart of a dynamic setup that thrives on their attention. These members, these people, are my friends and in a sense an extended family. Like a family we support and tend to each other needs. Even though we have never met we fully acknowledge that behind the words is a living breathing human being. Someone who has feelings and emotions as deep as our own. Without them I feel that a piece of myself would be lost.

Role-playing revealed its appeal to me when I was around the age of fourteen. What drew me to it I honestly can not say, but I am grateful because this is one of the best aspects of my life. Creative writing has become a passionate hobby that I get to share with a select few. Managing and maintaining this site has taught me many things about responsibility. I’ve learned to delegate arguments, handle pressure situations, learn what it is like to have people depend on you. I’ve learned to be an arbitrator and help people resolve problems, and have the end result satisfy both parties. The online aspect, I believe, does not belittle these achievements nor does it write it off as a faulty life experience. Creating this site has been one of the best decisions of my life.

Fire and Ice Wolf Packs has made a profound impact on my life. Untold hours of hard work, determination and devotion have gone into this site. If something were to happen to result in the loss of it I would grieve for my site. Devastated could not sum the emotion that would flow through my body. Emotionally I am bound to this site and the people on it.The influence of all these elements has carved out special traits in my characters and defines who I am today.

Oh yes, it is flowing much better now.
=]
Let me know when you are done with your final and I'll check it for grammatical and other surface errors.

Edit: Deleted to save space.

OKay, Im making some drastic changes to the beginning. >=D

Haha, easy gals. I was planning on writing about the site on a whole and certain aspects about it. I was thinking some sort of frame like so

Opening:

• Rp sample, work in the thesis here.
  

Body topics

• Site info/managing
  
• Characters
  
• Community
  

Conclusion

• Restate thesis and actually perhaps put here things that i have learned. Responsibilites, etc.
  

O and its funny that you said that thing about the hook "I go home and run with the wolves." I was actually forming something in my mind similiar to that!

Alrighty, I see what you are saying Silent, but the intro paragraph still doesn't fit to me. Humans taking over the land, wolves in danger, etc. says nothing about FnI. If you included a Roleplay sample in place of it, like a wolf punishing another, or the packs in the eyes of a loner, then it would all fit much better. This:

Quote :

Whatever it was, it was a perversion of nature. Stalking forward I carefully picked my way around the destruction, at least here it was not stripped clean. My chest grew tight and I wished to flee from this place but my own loyalty bound me to this damned place. Then my muscles locked tight, ears pinned to my skill as the creature emerged from the trees. I knew not of what this two legged creature was but our gazeslocked and some instinct told me that iwas no more than a child among its kind.

Has absolutely nothing to do with this:

Quote :

The community of my site and other similar ones are always extremely friendly. The people on these sites are accepting and caring.Those on my site, we have become close, despite the fact that none of us have ever met in person. They all have become my friends and in a sense a sort of extended family.

And just as well, neither of those have anything to do with this:

Quote :

I've learned how to delegate arguments, handle pressure situations and deal with numerous other problems. I've learned to be an arbitrator and help people resolve problems, and have the end result satisfy both parties. I feel that the fact that I do this online does not belittle these achievements or life experiences. The members of this site are real and so aren't our feelings for the site and our characters. We write because we love to. Our characters are an extension of ourselves, parts we choose to personify.

And really, this all comes back to your thesis. Just as Akka said, I can't even figure out what your thesis is. There are so many topics you are addressing that I can't figure out a common ground until the very last paragraph where you mention something called 'FNI'. To someone who doesn't know what that is, it could get pretty confusing. ^.^

If you want to write about the community, then I'd suggest something like this:
Roleplay sample....something that actually takes place in FnI.
Introduction....all the background and general statements:
-when the site was created
-what the site is
-how you stumbled across the site
-state topics you are going to talk about (familial, manager skills, maybe debunking popular beliefs about roleplaying communities since you mentioned that briefly, and maybe what the community means to you)

One paragraph to each topic you brought up, then a conclusion.

Or,

If you want to write about roleplaying in general and use your personal experience with FnI to exemplify it, then you would use topics such as:
-what roleplaying is
-what the community is like
-what roleplaying means to you


See what I'm getting at here? You have to choose a thesis, or you are going to be all over the place. I'd honestly go with a thesis like the whole of FnI(what roleplaying is, what the community is like, and what the site means to you) or just roleplaying itself, because I really like your idea of starting with a roleplay example. If you just mean to talk about the community, then the sample doesn't really fit.

Another thing I thought about, and it is sorta was Akka was saying: Instead of making it a roleplay sample, say something like "I daydream and schooll, go home, and then runs with the wolves". It'd be a great catcher, sort of a like "WTF is she talking about?". It would also match up with what you are saying about what other people believe about roleplaying, how much it means to you, etc. Oh, another one, let's say you are sitting in school worrying over an OOC argument. Or a war that is coming up. If you want the difference there, between the real world and Rp world, that would be a better intro paragraph than the Rp sample itself.

Some of my points will parallel with what was already said.

Well... as a former AP English literature and composition student, I don't care that it follows the typical intro, body, conclusion. In fact, I like how it at least somewhat varies from it, unless of course, you'll be required to use a specific format which I don't think any college teacher should be allowed to do unless the students are exploring a specific writer's style... >.< That's just my opinion, though, from having an AP English teacher who encourages anything as long as it flows and makes sense. Moving on, I'll just tell you what I gather from this on first impulse.

When you said two different perceptions of the same world, I think of the situation in your roleplay bit and the 'real' human world. Then you talk about the site and background, the people, and how you came to join it. Throughout it, talking about the impact.

Peronally, I'm not quite sure about how you ordered it (but I like how you have a roleplay sample up front, although it could be a different sample, as already said), and what exactally the thesis is (if the site made a huge impact, or is it the ways you view the world), but as you said, it's a super rought draft.

But that's just me. I'm not majoring in Enligsh or anything, so I won't have the best opinion for you... plus the fact that I'm not even taking ENligsh this quarter due to not wanting to be on the wait list...

Just to let you know, I wanted the opening paragraph to be a sample of the roleplay itself, I can change the context of the scenario if you think it is confusing. Like I said I sort of just spit it out really fast. And this is just for my english class and not for college itself. Im going to use it for college nonetheless so we still have time to buff it up after thursday. =) And yes, it is something i wanted to write about. I plan to use the common application so i can do what i want.,,,g2g school

Well, that is a very, very rough draft indeed!
Is there a particular thesis that you are required to right about, such as 'Something that is important to you' or 'Things you have learned through hobbies, and how it has made you a better person'? Just...a topic in general? Or can you choose anything out of the blue sky and write about it, then submit it? That is the first thing you have to think about. Thesis. I *think* I found your thesis here:

Quote :

This site is a large part of my lif. I had first joined it as an assistant manager and eventually inherited the whole thing. Managing and taking care of this site is one of the responsibilities that has fallen on my. I've learned how to delegate arguments, handle pressure situations and deal with numerous other problems. I've learned to be an arbitrator and help people resolve problems, and have the end result satisfy both parties. I feel that the fact that I do this online does not belittle these achievements or life experiences. The members of this site are real and so aren't our feelings for the site and our characters. We write because we love to. Our characters are an extension of ourselves, parts we choose to personify.

Or, I think I did. There really wasn't a sentence, statement, or generalized idea in that entire paragraph to tell you the honest truth. But, it's a rough draft. Kinda supposed to be that way. Ideas now, set rules later.

Second thing you need to do: list all the points you want to make about FnI. You started out about something regarding to the destruction of wolf habitat, but you didn't mention it at all throughout the rest of the essay. In fact, you teetered off about Roleplaying. I'm not sure what you want to write about, but I'm afraid to tell you that you must either pick one or the other. FnI roleplaying doesn't really have any effect on the destruction of wolf habitat. Maybe if it were a more information-based Rp, instead of drama llama's...but as it stands, FnI has nothing at all to do with your intro paragraph. Maybe if you described something more in the sight of Akira or Akiko (fictional, dramatic characters) it would make sense.

I ignored all the surface errors, since they all seemed like typos or you just trying to get your thoughts down. Spelling and grammatical stuff we'll look at later. You already said you knew your organization wasn't correct, so I'm leaving that for later discussions if you want them. For now I'll just leave you with the basic idea I learned from - criminal shows like Law and Order. What do the lawyers do? They set up essays! Intro, body, and conclusion! So writing an essay is like fighting in a trail:

Introduction Paragraph: State what you are going to write about(thesis), give background information, and come up with points to describe or support what you are talking about.

Body Paragraphs: One paragraph for each point you are trying to make. For example, one for the education aspect of writing, such as learning grammar, spelling, and sentence structure. Add another paragraph talking about how your leadership skills have improved and why, so on and so forth. Unless it pertains to information you gave in your thesis, don't add it.

Conclusion: Tie up everything you just wrote and restate your thesis statement. I find this the most difficult part because I feel like I'm being repetitive. But there are ways to say things and add in information without going on tangent. Such as, "This site is still active today."

Soooo. Yeeep. If you want me to actually go through and proof read a first draft or anything, please, say so! I would be more than happy to stay up with you and help, especially since you have to put it all together by Thursday! I'll sit up on IM with you, I think you have my number, what ever you want. I will help you. As someone who knows what college essays are like, and someone who has had to write several within the short few weeks of school, trust me on this....lol. Since it typically takes a good two weeks, start to finish, to write a good essay....well. I think we would have to start on this right away. >.>

First off, just letting you know, this is like the rough draft of a rough of a rough draft. I literally wrote this the class before english because I forgot to do it before. So its unorganized, it can repeat itself, etc. So I know that for a college essay it is not nearly ready. So this is what I have written word for word.

This is due thursday so comments and suggestions are welcome. The topic of my essay is this site and how important it is to me.


Mother nature's lament howled at me through the moaning wind. I stood amind the desolate place that used to be my home. Now it was gone, flattened by unnatural creatures, their shiny arms extending and ripping the trees from their roots. Whatever it was, it was a perversion of nature. Stalking forward I carefully picked my way around the destruction, at least here it was not stripped clean. My chest grew tight and I wished to flee from this place but my own loyalty bound me to this damned place. Then my muscles locked tight, ears pinned to my skill as the creature emerged from the trees. I knew not of what this two legged creature was but our gazeslocked and some instinct told me that iwas no more than a child among its kind. Nevertheless a bear cub is still dangerous. Glancing around I was getting nervous. My pelt was on end, claws sinking into the tainted earth. Deep in my chest I recognized that this naked, no clawed thing was the cause of this destruction. While we stood there looking at each other all i wanted to know was, why? As if sensing my deep and overwhelming grief it turned and fled. Muscles taught with stress I threw my head back, crown tilted to the heavens and my howl rendered the air, addining my own lament to mother natures.

This is how I view the worl. Two different perceptions of the same world. Everyday I log onto my computer and go to the website that has been intergrated into my life for the past three years, Here is where i find a second home. This community that I created by managing this site. Now we are an active community of peolpe who write for pleasure in the perspective of another being. More specifically in this case, we look through the eyes of a wolf. This site is a semi-realistic roleplaying site for moderate to advanced writers. Characters are created and played in a never ending story line. Such is the nature of a roleplaying site.

I was first interested in this a few years ago at the age of about 14-15. What attracted me I honestly don't know, but I am glad because I love this part of my life. Some may think that the subjects of wolves are a strange medium to roleplay but they can be made just as real and tangible as human characters. The only alternating set of factors is the environment and a different set of priorities.

The community of my site and other similar ones are always extremely friendly. The people on these sites are accepting and caring.Those on my site, we have become close, despite the fact that none of us have ever met in person. They all have become my friends and in a sense a sort of extended family.

This site is a large part of my lif. I had first joined it as an assistant manager and eventually inherited the whole thing. Managing and taking care of this site is one of the responsibilities that has fallen on my. I've learned how to delegate arguments, handle pressure situations and deal with numerous other problems. I've learned to be an arbitrator and help people resolve problems, and have the end result satisfy both parties. I feel that the fact that I do this online does not belittle these achievements or life experiences. The members of this site are real and so aren't our feelings for the site and our characters. We write because we love to. Our characters are an extension of ourselves, parts we choose to personify.

FNI has had a profound impact on my life so much so that I would truly grieve over the loss of it. So much hardwork determination to make this successful has gone into this site, I would even venture to say that the site and the people on it have shaped my into the person that I have become today.

(End)

Ta da....