Just a needed explanation/rant

Agreed with the Kipster - it's ok to vent and we'll serve as a part of your personal diary. Heck, who knows... We'll be your conscious! Like... the 50 million Jiminy Crickets running around

I'd like to give you some advice... If that's ok... with the boy situation. I've been in that same boat, and know how... jfido;sajfiod;ajfidoas it can be. The main question I'd always found myself was how - if we were to have a relationship - it would effect our friendship overall. Sometimes, you just happen to fall in love with your best friend, or sometimes, he happens to fall in love with you. But, it does seem like you're under a lot of stress right now... So, considering that he is your best friend, and that he does like you, he'll probably understand that right now a relationship is a little too much. He'll be a little let down, but he'll stick around. He'll still be there to make you laugh when you need it

We love you Starr! And squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee posties <3

It's not what I want to write to you bit all I can say right now in my rush is it's okay to vent and we'll be your diary love. Were all real here but were all secrets too ya know. Inside life in different states! so I say it's okay I'll write later gotta run pay phone bills... Bills bills bills urg

Hey guys, it's the disappearing Starr

I'm so sorry, I don't even know...... god, I'm so confused. Life has me all tied up in knots right now and I'm not sure whether to be dancing for joy, crying, or just... gah

I haven't been much in the mood to write, or heck, much in the mood for anything. I'm just so frustrated with myself right now. Frustrated that I'm even writing this post, though you guys deserve an explanation. Frustrated that I can't bring myself to get over it like I normally do. And seriously, seriously fed up with my own self image.

First I suppose I should go with the good news that has started this whole flurry of confusion on my part. I met a guy, a really, really sweet one who I might just like a lot. I went on my second ever date two nights ago, if you can even count homecoming junior year as a first, since I went with my best friend. Seriously, that's the dancing part. Now here's the not so happy part... I can't seem to convince myself that he is actually interested. A guy, interested with me? When for the past eighteen years, not one has even approached me to initiate conversation besides Ethan (the best friend). He's cute, he's funny, and completely, totally unreal. And here I am, wanting to back out and end it before anything has even started yet, if that is in fact what he wants. It seems like it sometimes, but my head won't stop denying it.

I'll stop. That's not even the part that is really getting to me, though it is messin a bit with me.

My mom is really bad, and getting worse. Like, exponentially, with each passing week. She has always been sick, but I hardly recognize her anymore. Ever since she moved to Florida a few years ago, it's been happening, but lately... I guess it's kinda come up and slapped me in the face. She is schizo-affective, but her symptoms are seriously bordering full out schizophrenic. They've had to bounce her around on meds because they can't find one to make the symptoms go away that doesn't affect her with seriously bad side effects. She's slow, paranoid, and nothing like the woman who used to be my mother. I hate it. I love her to death, and hearing her through the phone, but not being able to be there... I don't know. It's easy for my mind to deny it when she's not around, so I feel like a horrible daughter, avoiding her. I'm freaking out, and yesterday's phone conversation didn't help. Something's going on that her and my step dad aren't saying, and....... I'm probably overreacting, but she didn't sound good.

It's scary how little control we truly have over our own minds. I'm terrified that I'll be next. It's hereditary... and who knows? It's not like I would be aware of it. Mom didn't even really show symptoms until she was well into college. It could just be sitting in me, waiting, and there's nothing I can do about it.

I'm sorry, but I needed to vent, and you guys are the first people who I really met and got to know online. I can't tell anyone in reality because these are things that no one needs to deal with on a first hand basis. Besides, I couldn't deal with telling anyone all of this face to face because I know the reaction I would get, and I don't want that. I just want to talk.

Thanks guys, I'm going to go post now. Venting = good for the soul, haha, though I feel a little bit like I'm turning this thread into my personal diary.... >> sorry about that