=/ Hey Guys...

Subject: Re: =/ Hey Guys... Mon Apr 30, 2012 7:50 pm

Kippy...you know Im always here for you. You have my number and can call anytime for any reason..message me on fb...whatever. I wish you would have spoken to me before you did this to yourself. And I am happy you are still with us...I don't want you to go anywhere. You know we are all here for you and love you <3

HUGS

Subject: Re: =/ Hey Guys... Mon Apr 30, 2012 7:22 pm

My goodness... I'm not mad, but it does put me at a loss for words. I'm relieved to hear that you're still with us (in both senses of the term), and I sincerely hope that the world stops - and forgive my language - shitting on you. You've been through a hell of a lot for someone so young. But I know that as weak as you feel, sometimes, there's always a stronger character pulling through. It's this strength that brought you back... use that same strength to find yourself. It's not easy. It isn't supposed to be easy. But remember that you're not alone in this endeavor. We're all here for you.

Subject: Re: =/ Hey Guys... Mon Apr 30, 2012 9:57 am

*hugz* Not mad- maybe a bit disappointed, but mostly just happy your friend got back in time- although you might want to make it up to him for freaking him out... And I would have flown up there to kick him into Russia if he stopped talking to ya.

I hope life looks highly upon you so you can get back on your feet and continue to recover.

Subject: Re: =/ Hey Guys... Mon Apr 30, 2012 1:38 am

See right there. I can tell I'm mentally weird right now. Maybe just cause I wrote too soon... I made no sense when I re read this =/ Sorry. There is more to that story I skipped over. I cut myself with scissors. Um. I did a horrible job and will now have ugly scars but that's what the stitches are about. I wanted to share this because I want anyone who feels like this to know you're not alone... there are other people and I recommend talking... not doing what you're thinking about doing...

Subject: =/ Hey Guys... Mon Apr 30, 2012 1:33 am

You're my saving grace right now, just fyi. I wouldn't be allowed on the internet if it weren't for you all. Sooooo I made a lovely choice on Friday. I am allowed on the computer at night. I can't be on during the day. So I am on at night, unless I am on my phone, but it's hard to post on my phone. Um. I love you guys. =) I'll post tonight or tomorrow night. Unless I can sneak my way on during the day. But that's just the heads up. Now. I'd like to share my experience because it was intense... and life changing.

Friday. 2:45 AM and I took every pill in my purse. Micheal, my best friend, was in the gas station getting a soda for me, I wanted one really bad. So I asked him to stop and get it. I watched and right when he walked into the door I reached in the back seat, grabbed my purse, I never carry I purse... why I had one in the back of the seat was to carry all my medication... I took every pill I had. I think it was 40 of one kind. 20 of the other, and 25 of the ones I shouldn't have taken because it had the opposite effect of what I wanted... or at the time I thought about that.

Micheal gets into the car, his card wasn't working, my luck, more time for it to kick in. I was hoping I'd make it home and die in my bed but I passed out in the front seat almost instantly, chewing the pills had worked faster I guess. Next thing I knew I was opening my eyes in a blurry room with beeping, more like screaming of a machine. I didn't know it at that time but that scream was my heart rate. I don't know what happened really after that. I just wanted to sleep. I heard the beeping screaming machine then nothing. Next thing I remember was again, loud noises and someone saying my name. I don't know why but I just wanted to cry. I kept hearing. "We lost you for a few Coreen. Are you able to hear me. If you can move your left hand, do you know what your left hand is?" I wanted to gag. I didn't move my left hand I moved both actually and went to reach for the tubes in my throat. They grabbed my arms instantly and I wanted to scream. I heard "Watch out for her stitches" and then I was out again. I didn't know really what had happened. I guess I had gone into a coma physically and mentally. The scan told them nothing. My brain was working over time, but I know what was going on. I know what was going on the whole time, not outside my body, but in my mind.

Have you ever seen that movie where he goes in for surgery, and he can feel everything? I could think everything. I'll have to see if I can get the picture of my brain. I was amazed when I woke up and they explained to me. When I was actually dead dead... that was scary and I never want to go back to that. I know what hell is. Or at least my hell. Nothing. NOTHING. No colors no blackness. It is seriously. NOTHING and all you have is nothing. You try to think... and you can't... but you can, think, about thinking... I guess. It's weird. And a coma. I could hear it all in a fuzz sound, as if hearing through cotton, and I could think my own thoughts, not like when I was dead... I knew what I was thinking and doing when I wasn't awake, when I woke up, I was one confused mess.

Saturday. Doctors... tests... questions... brain tests to see my comprehension...

Sunday. Talk to mind doctors. Shrinks. More tests. Then home. 24 hr watch, had to go to church.... Always asking if I'm okay. It kinda blows. But I did it to myself.

I really want to apologize to you all though. Suicide... Everyone always told me it was selfish. It is. I ask honestly. If ANY one of you are EVER feeling like you just can't do it anymore. I'M HERE!!! I've BEEN THERE AND AM STILL THERE.

It is so selfish to attempt let alone do... at the moment in time you don't think about anyone else but yourself. Micheal... I'm surprised he's still talking to me... he's been by my side this whole time and is sitting here right now too as I write this. He's staying the night too. My parents are letting him. I don't think he'd leave unless they called the cops anyways. (Yep that's how it is) that's what he says.

But I wanted to say sorry... to you all. For doing what I did... I really am sorry. I'm going to try and get my life and feet back on the ground (We all should staple them) he says. Ugh. he's a jerk. I luff him though. Anywho. I really wanted to say sorry. I am. I will never do this ever again but I wanted you all to know... why I will be MIA during the day unless I'm given permission.

I love you all... and if you're mad... I understand. I'm mad at myself... trust me...

» What would you guys do if...
» Hi guys
» Hey Guys...
» hey guys... some sad news.
» Guys. Some little...moments notice.